My Funny

So I decided that maybe my funny left me because all I do is work now. I don't have the time to read any funny, or listen to any funny or look at any funny, therefore my inner funny has deserted me. But in an attempt to coax my funny into returning I am going to tell a few jokes. So here goes:

We'll start with the classic Yo Mama just to get into the groove -

Yo mama's so old, she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro.

Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter from the condom factory.

Ok something more complex -

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

HA HA ok that one was good, admit it.

WHOA!!!!!!!!

So first let me note that i am typing this with one hand, that is why it is so sloppy.

Well i have been reviewing some of my old blogs (aka all of them, since my most recent one was almost a year ago) and i am going to have to say that i used to be pretty funny. what happened? where did my funny go?

Seriously. Where? Tell me where it is?

more practice writing

If you don’t know what I mean by practice writing read my last post.

He already had a history by the time he first saw her. Perhaps they all did each and every one of them. Looking at her now, with her wide innocent eyes, he wandered at her history.

Where had she come from? By the look of her he would guess some foreign mysterious place, a place made up of legends and myths, a place that only partially existed.


Why had she left? Letting his imagination run now, he thought perhaps she was running from an evil sorcerer, no, a sorceress, who was jealous of her beauty and her goodness, like a modern day Andromeda. Or better yet she had been kidnapped, taken ruthlessly by some evil prince. That meant someone needed to save her. She needed to be rescued and someone must be her hero.

What was her name? he thought. It would be something exotic, something like Isa, Yasmine or Malia. That was it, Malia. It suited her perfectly. Malia, the mystic creature from a mystic land, she was so out of place here in this crowded street. Her profile seemed so wrong against the backdrop of skyscrapers and food carts. He would see her face in a land full of trees and rivers, trees with all the colors of the autumn falling around her. That was where she belonged.

Afternoon Heat

This is a short story I wrote a while back. There is a writing exercise called practice writing. It is where you start with a phrase, something like “You’re listening to the radio” and you just start writing. It doesn’t matter what you write or how you write it or if what you wrote is good or not. So my point is, this is a story I wrote as practice, it has no other purpose or point and it certainly isn’t fine tuned. I haven't checked grammer, cohesiveness or sense. So don't be hard on it.

In the scorching heat of the Arizona sun, she sat alone. It was mid afternoon and everybody was busy working. The occasional restless worker would come out for a smoke before returning, restlessly, back to work. Downtown was always like this, except on the weekends when very few souls would be around. There may be a stressed out young worker or a bum or two. This afternoon was like so many others yet different just for her.
Everyone else went about their lives as usual, no one stopping to pay her any mind. And anyone who happened to notice her tear covered face quickly pretended that they hadn’t. Yes the hordes of walking suits with briefcases and access cards marched on as lemmings going through the motions of downtown life simply waiting to be out of the dull routine they were now in. but for her the yearning in her life was much stronger.
She was lost in this place, in this desert, in this scorching heat that no human should have to endure. She was lost and she knew it. She was always lost unless…

just a note

It has been pointed out to me, with distinct clarity, that, as a writer, I do not write in my blog near enough. Well I say, to those negative souls, "everybody likes to go their own way--to choose their own time and manner of devotion." Therefore, I will write when and how I chose to write and I will write about whatever I wish. The frequency of my devotion should not be judged or criticized by those who also lack the constant urgency to correct grievances. Particularly those grievances that we commit against ourselves. Are those grievances, with their lack of outside parties, somehow less deserving of our attention? Do they not scream out in protest as any other? Is not a grievance against oneself, perhaps, the more brutal of offenses? If one cannot avoid injury to one’s self or at least correct the grievance brought upon one’s self then how are they ever to accomplish the correcting of such grievances against another?

Poop

Poop. Man, poop is a funny thing. Fisrt of all poop is a funny word. Who doesn't laugh when they hear the word poop, or kaka, or doo doo or any other funny words that refer to the stinky, colorful, smelly discharge of the anus. Anus, thats a funny one too. You know whats even more funny than the word poop? Poop itself. The funniest (yes i know thats not a real word) thing in the world is when Captain Kaka sh*ts so much that it is falling out of his pants and all over the floor. Nothing quite as funny and other people stepping in Captians Kaka's poop after it fell out of his pants. Other funny occurances of poop. Saturday Night Live skit "Celebrity Jepordy." :
"What year is it?" Alex Trabeck
"POOP" Sean Connery
Ha ha that Sean Connery he cracks me up.

Another celebrity impersonator that is absolutly hilarious. check out this

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1921276117304287501&q=bush+impersonator&pr=goog-sl

it is about 11 minutes long but worth every minute.

Best 5 Funny Football Goals of all the Time

In honor of the World Cup.

Packing

Right now I am taking a break from packing. I thought that packing my apartment wouldn’t be that hard, since it is small there is not that much stuff here. But I think it is actually almost harder because it is small so all we have here are the necessaries. It is hard to pack things because I always have to ask “ Am I going to need that in the next 28 days?” The only thing I could pack with complete confidence was our winter clothes, which turned out to be unnecessary even in winter. By the way thanks Will and Leandra for taking those back. Well looks like the tea is all brewed so I better get back to it.

See the video, as my tribute to the World Cup.